Sometimes...
I’m about to be really really honest here, more than my usual.
Sometimes depression is not wanting to eat anything. Sometimes it’s not being able to sleep or not wanting to do anything except sleep. Sometimes it makes you sick. Sometimes it makes you sad all the time. Sometimes it tricks you into making you think or feel like you’re happy, but you are actually quite miserable. Sometimes it’s not being able to go back to a certain place (like your own home) because you’re constantly reminded of the memories that happened there. Sometimes it makes you feel completely numb. Sometimes it makes your minutes, hours, days, and years go by unbearably slow. Sometimes it’s really wanting to be happy and doing things that make you happy, but still not feeling any better. Sometimes it’s wanting to cry all the time. Sometimes it’s being mad. Sometimes it’s sitting in your car with music playing, but not actually thinking about anything. Sometimes it’s wanting to be completely alone and away from everyone. Sometimes it’s thinking the unthinkable. Sometimes it’s telling yourself you will get through this and be okay.
Depression sucks. It has been a struggle of mine for the last 2-3 years. This last week I have struggled significantly with wanting to sleep all the time and wanting to cry all the time. It comes and goes, like I said, it tricks you. It plays games on you and gets your emotions all out of whack. It’s the worst. If depression was a person, I would punch it in the throat.
This past week has been one big suck fest. Just when I think I’m going to start getting better, BAM, something happens and it brings me right back to where I was before. Most recently I have had to stop going to my life group. I’m incredibly sad about this. I loved life group and I looked forward to it every week. Life group is a place that should feel safe and comfortable, and unfortunately that was lost for me because of a certain situation. I’m doing my best not to cry as I write this because I mean it when I say sad doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel about not getting to go there anymore. I’ve also been told that I am not happy enough and you know…I apologize to the people that do have to deal with the crappy Tiffany…but this is not easy. I honestly do my best to smile, but man is it difficult. It’s really hard to be happy and smile when you feel numb and depressed. I have talked about not regretting a certain relationship that happened, and I don’t. Lessons have been learned, etc. I’m just really tired of the toll that it has taken on me. I’ve been trying and trying to feel better and feel happy again. I’m doing my best! My life group was something that I knew would help me get through this and now it’s gone. I was not asked to leave, I chose to, but that whole situation got so ugly that I no longer felt I could do that anymore. I feel so broken, betrayed, hurt, lied to, used, and humiliated. I know these are the times to draw close to God, I’m not saying that I’m not doing that. I would be a lot worse than I am right now if it wasn’t for Life Church and Craig Groeschel. I’m incredibly thankful for the series that Craig is doing right now. I’m thankful that I have people who check up on me and family who cares. I’m thankful that I have parents who have not only been kind and caring throughout this, but been completely understanding and doing whatever they can to help me get back on my feet.
I told you I was going to be really really honest. I believe in being honest, being yourself, and not hiding anything. Sometimes I don’t say enough and sometimes I say too much. Sometimes I am at peace with everything that has happened and sometimes I don’t feel like any of it is fair and I need closure. Sometimes I could care less about ever talking to certain people again and sometimes my heart aches horribly over never talking to those same certain people again. Sometimes I cry in an office or the bathroom at work cause I can’t keep it together anymore and sometimes I just get really really pissed off because people can’t learn how to speak the truth.
I’m ending with this…I know I will get back up again. I know I’ll be happy again. I know this was just a lesson learned. I know I must go through the storm. I know not everyone sucks. I know, I know, I know.
Sometimes depression is not wanting to eat anything. Sometimes it’s not being able to sleep or not wanting to do anything except sleep. Sometimes it makes you sick. Sometimes it makes you sad all the time. Sometimes it tricks you into making you think or feel like you’re happy, but you are actually quite miserable. Sometimes it’s not being able to go back to a certain place (like your own home) because you’re constantly reminded of the memories that happened there. Sometimes it makes you feel completely numb. Sometimes it makes your minutes, hours, days, and years go by unbearably slow. Sometimes it’s really wanting to be happy and doing things that make you happy, but still not feeling any better. Sometimes it’s wanting to cry all the time. Sometimes it’s being mad. Sometimes it’s sitting in your car with music playing, but not actually thinking about anything. Sometimes it’s wanting to be completely alone and away from everyone. Sometimes it’s thinking the unthinkable. Sometimes it’s telling yourself you will get through this and be okay.
Depression sucks. It has been a struggle of mine for the last 2-3 years. This last week I have struggled significantly with wanting to sleep all the time and wanting to cry all the time. It comes and goes, like I said, it tricks you. It plays games on you and gets your emotions all out of whack. It’s the worst. If depression was a person, I would punch it in the throat.
This past week has been one big suck fest. Just when I think I’m going to start getting better, BAM, something happens and it brings me right back to where I was before. Most recently I have had to stop going to my life group. I’m incredibly sad about this. I loved life group and I looked forward to it every week. Life group is a place that should feel safe and comfortable, and unfortunately that was lost for me because of a certain situation. I’m doing my best not to cry as I write this because I mean it when I say sad doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel about not getting to go there anymore. I’ve also been told that I am not happy enough and you know…I apologize to the people that do have to deal with the crappy Tiffany…but this is not easy. I honestly do my best to smile, but man is it difficult. It’s really hard to be happy and smile when you feel numb and depressed. I have talked about not regretting a certain relationship that happened, and I don’t. Lessons have been learned, etc. I’m just really tired of the toll that it has taken on me. I’ve been trying and trying to feel better and feel happy again. I’m doing my best! My life group was something that I knew would help me get through this and now it’s gone. I was not asked to leave, I chose to, but that whole situation got so ugly that I no longer felt I could do that anymore. I feel so broken, betrayed, hurt, lied to, used, and humiliated. I know these are the times to draw close to God, I’m not saying that I’m not doing that. I would be a lot worse than I am right now if it wasn’t for Life Church and Craig Groeschel. I’m incredibly thankful for the series that Craig is doing right now. I’m thankful that I have people who check up on me and family who cares. I’m thankful that I have parents who have not only been kind and caring throughout this, but been completely understanding and doing whatever they can to help me get back on my feet.
I told you I was going to be really really honest. I believe in being honest, being yourself, and not hiding anything. Sometimes I don’t say enough and sometimes I say too much. Sometimes I am at peace with everything that has happened and sometimes I don’t feel like any of it is fair and I need closure. Sometimes I could care less about ever talking to certain people again and sometimes my heart aches horribly over never talking to those same certain people again. Sometimes I cry in an office or the bathroom at work cause I can’t keep it together anymore and sometimes I just get really really pissed off because people can’t learn how to speak the truth.
I’m ending with this…I know I will get back up again. I know I’ll be happy again. I know this was just a lesson learned. I know I must go through the storm. I know not everyone sucks. I know, I know, I know.
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