Dear no one...

So Sunday is usually my blog day, but I have stuff on my mind.

You'll have to excuse my back and forth emotions in these posts. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel or act post break-up. I know I've talked about this in every single post, but this is my life as of right now. It's been close to 5 months and I'm still not sure what to do with myself. I still feel like everything has just been one big bad dream. I've moved to a different city and started a new job and I don't feel like it's my real life. I don't feel at home, none of it feels real to me. I miss Ardmore. Even though I didn't have very many friends there anymore, I miss it. Sometimes I think I want to move back, but I know that I would be even more miserable there than I am here. I don't feel like Edmond is my home, I don't think I ever will. I know that life will eventually get easier for me and I won't feel like this anymore.

I'll be honest here, I'm not happy. I'm not happy with my life. I'm quite miserable actually. I often wonder if I'm ever going to be as happy as I was 2 years ago. Yes, I know that if I keep that mindset that I'm going to stay miserable. I get it, my dad was a pastor my whole life, I've had my share of counseling in that department. I'm allowed to feel crappy and emotional, I'm a 22 year old girl, sue me. Some days I feel fine, I'm smiling and positive, and other days like today, I feel really crappy and depressed. I've heard that if you force yourself to smile or think good thoughts or pretend to be happy it's supposed to make you feel better...I've yet to really see that. I've been forcing myself to be happy and smile for quite some time now, and it only makes me feel worse. I'm getting tired of feeling so alone and unhappy on the inside and pretending that I'm happy and have this new outlook on life on the outside. I'm tired of trying to hold back tears at work or around other people and constantly feeling like my heart is being torn apart. Don't get me wrong, I do see the potential in my life and actually do have a different outlook on life, but it's hard to see new and better things coming my way when I feel like I'm stuck on this emotional rollercoaster.

Now for the part where I say I have point to all this rambling...

I know that there are some girls that have read my blog & felt we were on the same page. Just so you know, I'm still that same person that says "it gets easier and life will get better". I still believe that for me, but as I said before, it's difficult to see the positive when you feel like you're stuck. So don't read this and feel discouraged or feel like I'm taking a step back...even though that's pretty much how I feel. I'm going to keep trying to make myself happy and find something or someone that helps with that. Sometimes I just have to let things out, but since I know that there are some people who have read this going through the same thing I am, then I feel the need to share.

P.S--If you feel the need to say something to me about how it will get better, or any comment about it at all, please don't. As I said in my very first post, this is my place to voice my opinion and write down my thoughts.